Written by: Patrick Francis, David A.
Prior, William S. Vigil
Directed by: David A. Prior
Starring: Ted Prior, Powers Boothe,
Wilford Brimley
I don't think anyone was pretending
they didn't know they were ripping off Predator
when, from the mid- to late 1990's it seemed like there was a new
military-fights-a-monster-in-the-woods movie coming out every other
week. However, I doubt anyone was as committed as veteran genre
filmmaker David A. Prior, to the point that his original desired cast
would have made it a borderline remake. When the project was pitched
to the studio, he wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger as Lt. Hollinger (what
they would have spent on his salary, they could have saved in makeup
effects – it wouldn't take much to believably turn Arnold into a
huge, lumpy monster...and that's just his politics), Jean-Claude Van
Damme as Trotter, Michael Ironside as the evil Frost, Dee “The Mom
In Every Monster Movie Ever” Wallace Stone as Carol-Anne, and Bill
Duke as the leader of the Spec-Ops expendable meat who get mowed down
in the third act!
These movies are
like Motorhead records; they're all more or less the same and you
either like them or you don't. Some are more metal, some are more
rock and roll, but they're all fun. This movie is one of the more
metal ones, if'n you ask me, and obviously you are, because otherwise
why are you reading this page?
We
begin with a team of soldiers being sent to clear up the crash site
of a satellite somewhere in the woods of Alabama. Just before they
get into the airplane that will drop them into the crash zone,
because that's what they did in Predator
(seriously, why didn't they just drive there, it's like an hour
away), a shady government agent (are there any other kind?) named
Frost hands Lt. Hollinger, the team's leader, a briefcase and
whispers something top secret in his ear. We know he's up to no
good, because even though we can't hear any of what's going on here,
Frost a)is a government agent in a 90's monster movie, and b)his
facial expression is shouting, “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” like Doctor
Doom after noticing Reed Richards leave his cell phone unattended and
still logged into Facebook..
After
listening to a boogie rock song (“American Band” by Grand Funk
Railroad in this case) because that's what they did in Predator,
the team drops in to find the crash site. Once it's been located,
instead of simply burning or blowing it up, Hollinger suddenly
commands everyone to keep their distance and breaks out his top
secret briefcase, which is some kind of containment unit for the
horrid strawberry jam that is leaking out of the canister the
satellite was holding. Instead of cooperatively allowing itself to
be scooped into its new container, the stuff squirts up Hollinger's
hand and oozes into his bloodstream. Figuring there's not much to be
done about it now, he orders his team to blow up the satellite, and
then guns down the lot of them so no one blabs about the strawberry
jam.
Now,
these movies are not big on logic, I'll grant you, but this one is a
real head scratcher. I'm sure there are all sorts of details that
the writers got wrong because they were too lazy to research and
assumed the audience wouldn't notice, like the military stuff, and in
my case they were right. I don't know enough about the various
branches of the armed services to know whether Hollinger should be a
Lieutenant or not, or whether their uniforms are right or if they
would even send Army rangers (if it's even realistic that that's what
these dime store camouflage outfits are supposed to represent) out to
recover a secret crashed satellite. But why in the hell would you
dispose of your motile, semi-sentient strawberry jam monster DNA
juice (and that's another thing – I love that these movies always
assume that if you just stir up a bunch of random DNA from various
predatory animals and inject it into someone, they'll turn into an
unstoppable super monster instead of just getting an infection or
something) by sticking in a satellite and shooting it into space!?
Never mind that a space launch is about the least secretive thing you
could possibly do, why put it in a satellite!?
Just stick it in a missle and shoot it out of the atmosphere, or
better yet, just THROW IT IN THE FUCKING FURNACE! It's not 345
Trioxin for Cthulhu's sake, it's just DNA suspended in strawberry
jam! Also, it seems that all the secret government equipment in
these movies is made out of old Ford Pinto parts, because it always
crashes and explodes.
Anyway, Trotter, the second in command, survives the murder of his
group, and Hollinger chases him through the forest. He corners
Trotter, who manages to convince him of his humanity and Hollinger
begs Trotter to shoot him, which he does. Trotter then finds his way
to the home of Carole-Anne and her brother Jordie, a surprisingly
useful duo who prove better than a whole team of heavily armed black
ops at dealing with Hollinger when he finishes his gooey
metamorphosis and comes looking for Trotter again.
Despite
having these adorable, droopy whiskers (presumably meant to signify
some sort of big cat in the creature's genetic makeup), the monster
is pretty cool as these things go. It looks sort of like a cross
between the melted dog from The
Fly II
and the fetus monster from The
Suckling.
When we get a good look at it for the first time, my six year old
daughter said, “Wow, that monster is really realistic”, and
Malorie just started laughing. It's no Stan Winston creation, but it
looks like they put some effort into it. If its head wasn't so
cartoonishly huge (presumably a practical consideration to house all
the servos that animated its facial features) it would have been a
lot more fearsome and a lot less cute.
A lot of what elevates the movie is the acting, though. No one is
going to win any awards here, but there aren't any truly bad
performances. At the worst, the secondary performances are
workmanlike, but they get the job done. The real standout, though,
is Hollinger before he gets monsterfied. There's a great moment when
he's chasing Trotter through the woods, and his senses go into
overdrive, hearing every little insect chirp and clatter as a
deafening cacophony, and notices that his hands are getting all
scabby and weird and his fingers are starting to fuse together and
his bone structure is changing. Rather than revel in becoming a
beast, or getting angry, or any of the other reactions you tend to
see in these situations, he just lets out this mournful, terrified
wail. He doesn't want to be a monster, he doesn't want to be the
villain, at that moment he's just a scared man lost in the woods who
knows he's doomed. Despite, or maybe because of, being found amongst
the trappings of a cheap, derivative quickie DTV monster flick, it's
a surprisingly punchy bit of true horror.
No comments:
Post a Comment