Written by: Joe D'Amato
Directed by: Joe D'Amato
Starring:
George Eastman as Larry
Laura Gemser as Luna
Mark Shannon as John Wilson
Dirce Funari as Fiona
Genital warts were first described in
medical writings dating all the way back to ancient Greece, although
it wasn't until 1907 that it became clear to the world of medical
science that they were caused by some form of virus, and not until
the mid-1980s that a German virologist by the name of Harold zur
Hausen linked several strains of the human papillomavirus to
increased risk of cervical cancer. There are over 170 known strains
in the papillomavirus family, roughly 40 of which can be transmitted
through sexual contact.
In the late 70s, researchers in Rome
working with a particularly aggressive strain accidentally exposed a
specimen to what should have been a lethally high dose of ionizing
radiation. Amazingly, the specimen seemed to thrive. Keeping the
mutant strain of HPV under close observation, the researchers were
shocked when, in the space of a few months, the specimen had attained
first sentience, then sapience. Despite the research team's best
efforts to keep their folly under wraps, it sprouted an enormous
mustache and broke free of the lab after a terrible struggle that
left two of the scientists and one security guard in a state of
permanent sexual arousal and, unfortunately, gibbering insanity.
Attempting to fit into society, avoid its captors, and propagate
itself the best way it knew how, the specimen joined the Italian
pornographic film industry under the assumed name of Mark Shannon.
John Wilson is a rich, womanizing real
estate developer who has just purchased a piece of tropical paradise
called Cat Island, which he plans to bulldoze into the ground, pave
the whole thing, and turn it into a tacky luxury hotel. He's having
the devil's own time trying to get someone to take him out to the
island to survey his new fiefdom, however. Even the whores he is
definitely not paying enough to play with his horrible, festering
balls won't stick around when he tells them what he's up to. In fact,
they flee his suite at the mere mention of Cat Island without
bothering to collect their pay.
Fortunately for him and his awful swamp
sack, there's one woman in the building willing to put up with a
little superstition and a lot of penicillin in order to land herself
what every girl dreams about; a hunky dude with a bottomless wallet
and a batch that looks like an old potato was dipped in Drakkar Noir
and rolled in a pile of Rice Crispies. Fiona picks up right where the
two hookers left off, and the next morning she and John head off to
find the one boat captain brave enough to take them to Cat Island.
You see, the locals call it that because they believe the island is
overrun with a horde of zombies, who are led by an adorable little
black kitty because...I dunno. Because Italy.
The couple find Larry polishing his
poop deck and John offers him a pile of money to make the trip solo,
since his deck hands won't have anything to do with the island. Larry
agrees, and the following day the trio hoist the mainsail on the
Sloop John HPV and head off for adventure. It's a little unclear as
to what John plans to accomplish on the island by himself. There
isn't a lot to see other than sand and trees, he has no surveying
equipment, and he's not exactly prepared to break ground on the new
resort. He basically spends his time wandering around the forest
while Fiona hits on Larry, until a spooky chick named Luna and her
weird uncle with a giant cyst on his forehead show up and warn them
that if they don't leave the island immediately, they will face
unspeakable horror and death. John has too much money sunk into the
island to give it up, a few ambulatory corpses hold no terror for
Fiona because she's already had John's pustulent package all up in
her business, and if need be Larry could punch the antlers off a
moose, so they'll be staying the night, thank you very much.
Sure enough, before long the wrathful
cat has the zombies up and shambling because as all evil development
moguls must learn, sooner or later, the pussy grabs back. Luna has
taken a liking to Larry during the numerous late night sexcapades
that have filled most of the run time, and gives him a talisman that
will keep the zombies from killing him. It performs its function well
enough, but seeing a bunch of carnivorous cadavers chewing on his
chums has done a number on Larry's lobes (of the brainular variety,
that is). When the rescue team finally arrives, they have no choice
but to cart the poor bugger off to the asylum, where he spends the
rest of his days banging nurses and chewing on orderlies.
Even with as little time as I took
describing the plot, I feel I may have oversold how much story this
movie actually has. It is first and foremost a sex film, which aside
from the bare minimum of containing sex, it completely fails at
being. Despite containing a number of attractive women, this movie is
about as arousing as watching a bowl of cereal slowly get soggy and
puffy from absorbing all the milk. It is a horror film second, and
only marginally more successful at this than an average episode of
the Wiggles. There is a little bit of gore, and simply by dint of
being Italian and filmed in the late 70s it captures a little of that
inimitable atmosphere that made all such movies a genre unto
themselves. At the end of the day, I can sit through anything from
that period and find something to enjoy.
What I can't enjoy is the fact that
this movie is TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG! With enough action and story to
fill out twenty minutes if we're being generous, it is inexcusable
that Joe D'Amato took only marginally less time to tell it than
goddamn Infinity War. I
consider myself a fan of D'Amato's work (it's Cinemasochist
Apocalypse after all), but even
I found this a hard pill to swallow. Of course, I'll be swallowing a
lot of pills in the future, having spent as much time as I just did
in the company of Mark Shannon's purulent pubic pendants.
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