Written by: James Cawthorn
Directed by: Kevin Connor
Starring: Doug McClure, John
McEnery, Susan Penhaligon
It seems like lately I've
been stuck in a rut of movies that don't really do much for me. It's
an ugly cycle, realizing it's been a while since I've posted
anything, putting on the first movie that grabs my attention, only to
have it just kind of sit there and stare at me, willing me to be
entertained in spite of itself. It's just not much fun trying to
think of things to say about movies that don't inspire any feelings
in you one way or the other. It would have been ok except... it
should have been entertaining if it weren't for... and when you're
attempting to support your hobby with an Amazon affiliation, all the
mediocrity doesn't help. Even a case of, “Holy shit, it's so awful
you just have to see it!” would be fine, but, “Meh, it was pretty
dull; here, would you like to pay to see it?” seems like a poor
business model indeed. So rather than play roulette with another
unknown quantity, I decided it was time for something tried and true
and always reliable for a good time. Let's watch Doug McClure punch
some cavemen and dinosaurs in the face, shall we?
When I was very young, a
friend of my parents gave me a Christmas present. In it was a set of
astronaut soaps shaped like various space vehicles, and a VHS tape.
I'd never heard of the movie before, but the cover immediately
grabbed my imagination and ran with it. A submarine menaced by a
T-rex (like every six year old boy, I knew damn well they didn't live
underwater but it looked so cool I didn't care) and some kind of
giant manta ray spraying a blast of pressurized water out of a spout
on its head. It was like someone reached into my brain and made a
movie with the stuff they found there!
The year is 1916, and an
unfortunate British ship has found itself in the sights of the German
submarine U-33. One lifeboat
full of survivors has made it away from the sinking wreck, and it
contains several members of the English crew, a female biologist (!)
named Lisa Clayton, and Bowen Tyler, an American who claims to know U
boats inside and out and whose occupation seems to be socking things
in the jaw. When U-33
surfaces for air, Tyler leads the Englishmen onto the deck and takes
over the boat! I would love to hear the internal monologue of the
first German seaman through that hatch, just popping up for a fresh
breath and a look around and winds up getting grabbed from behind and
held at gunpoint. Just about the last thing you'd expect on a
submarine, really.
Captain
Schoenwartz shortly regains control after using his spare key (way to
search your prisoners there, guys) to release himself and his other
officers from captivity, and Tyler realizes they've been
double-snookered when a German supply ship shows up. First Officer
Dietz (played by Anthony Ainley – hey, he played The Master, of
course he's a crafty bastard!) has tampered with the compass and had
the sub pointed toward German-controlled waters the whole time Tyler
was in control. Unfortunately for the Germans, they didn't do a very
good job recapturing their unexpected guests, who manage to fire a
couple of torpedoes into the German ship while no one is looking.
Informing Tyler that ship was the only source of supplies in anything
like useful range, Schoenwartz turns control of the sub back over to
him in a sort of, “Ok Mr. Smart Guy American, you got us into this
crap, you get us out of it!” gesture. Schoenwartz suggests they
head for the legendary land of Caprona because, well, they're in the
middle of the Antarctic and about to starve or freeze to death
anyway, and a probably-imaginary haven is better than none at all.
But
sure enough, they follow a current of warm water through a submerged
channel in a rather forbidding rock face, and once on the other side
they find themselves in a tropical paradise. Of course, the tropical
paradise happens to be full of dinosaurs and hostile cavemen.
Fortunately for them, the landscape is also dotted with huge swamps
made of crude oil, and if they can refine enough of it before the
cavemen club them all to death, the dinosaurs eat them, or the
mandatory volcano vaporizes the entire island, they should be able to
get home.
I've
been really surprised over the years at how lukewarm the reactions to
this movie have been. Okay, sure it has some dinosaur-sized plot
holes, and introduces that interesting idea of Caprona being a
microcosm of all stages of evolution and then never really does
anything with it beyond using it as an excuse to show as many
different prehistoric creatures as they could afford without having
to worry about whether the time periods matched up, but dammit this
movie is nothing if not exciting! There is almost never a scene
without some kind of action happening, especially once they get to
Caprona. When the dinosaurs and cavemen aren't attacking, the crew
get in fistfights or talk about dinosaurs and cavemen attacking. The
performances are uniformly solid, with all the British cast being
typically dependable British actors giving it their all no matter
what silly thing they're asked to do. Even Doug McClure, who is one
of those b-movie action hero types who people like to make fun of,
does a fine job. I never really understood why people rag on him.
He may have a limited range, but within that range I've always
thought he was very charismatic and fun to watch.
It's got action, adventure of both jungle and high-seas varieties, great special effects, dinosaurs eating people, bullshit science, and if you squint really hard at one point even some boobies. There is absolutely nothing about this movie not to love. I adore it, and you should too. Watch Doug McClure punch a caveman today, won't you?
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